Where stress comes from
There are many sources that stress comes from, for example,
- too much work, this type of stress is relatively easy to resolve, it’s about priority and - managing the expectation of others.
- not doing things that you should do and able to do
- getting a lot of NOs from other
- unstable work environment, you might lose your job.
Manage stress at work
Among those few sources of stress comes from, the first two are relatively easy to resolve. Because you have control over it. Then the problem can be converted from solving stress issues to managing priority, expectation, and procrastination.
This section mainly focuses on managing the stress coming from receiving a lot of NOs from others, either from reports, peers, or the manager, and an unstable work environment. Getting a lot of NOs potentially makes us think “am I capable of doing certain things?” which results in imposter syndrome and “am I going to lose my job soon?”. Sometimes, those questions and concerns come from our subconscious. And we might be in a stressful state that we don’t even realize.
Keep doing what you think is right for the team. I think we tend to shut up if we have a lot of NOs. But my approach is to continue to raise concern for potential problems and propose ideas about what you think is right for the team. Because It’s our job to raise those concerns or provide ideas to improve. I just want to do my job. Don’t worry too much about other people’s opinions. In case, their NO might be valid with sounding reasoning, you learn from it, that’s also great.
Influence with NO as the starting point. NO is the starting point to influence. Even if people say yes to you, it doesn’t mean people will actually agree with you and commit to it. They have to convince themself with the ideas to fully commit to it. NO, as a starting point can provide an opportunity for the counterpart to help to reason with themself and realize the meaning of it, then commit it.
Let it be. Sometimes, you have to make a case by allowing the counterpart to make the mistake so they can learn from it.
A lot of unreasonable and unsound NOs. Getting a lot of NOs makes us feel we’re not capable of doing certain things or feel being judged as well. This results in imposter syndrome. If there are so many unreasonable NOs from peers or your own manager, but you think those ideas you propose are the “right” things with sound evidence to do for the team, maybe you and the team have a different philosophy to do things. This can happen when the manager has a fixed mindset and you keep improving and growing yourself by using external sources, like discussing and learning from people from different companies or teams, and you grow really fast. If that’s the truth, especially not getting much support from your manager, maybe it’s time to change to a new work environment by trying out different teams within the company or other companies.
If that’s the case, make sure to consult with at least two 3rd party opinions from people who have more experience. Sometimes you cannot see yourself clearly when you’re deeply involved or have some blind spots, or simply get too emotional.
Be capable of walking away. It relies on that you always keep growing yourself to be the best as you can be the top performer of the industry. It needs extreme self-discipline to focus on growth in the long term towards your career goal.
If the stress or struggle is coming from the job. This job is a place where you can develop certain skills at this stage of your life. If you cannot find an opportunity to grow or not grow fast enough, I’m not saying to level up based on your leveling of your team, but level up your career, it might be good timing to take a break, either to think about your career goal or find an opportunity where you can continue to develop skills toward your career goal.
Everyone has their own career growth plan to achieve their career goal. Each job serves as a tool to develop the skills that are needed at a certain stage of your life to achieve your career goal. A job is part of the journey to achieve your goal.
How to not worry
Control the controllable
Stress primarily comes from not taking action over something that you can have some control over.
- Jeff Bezos
If you have certain control, even doing a little bit, like sending an email to ask for help or simply collecting relevant resources can dramatically reduce stress.
Stoicism
The chief task in life is simply this: to identify and separate matters so that I can say clearly to myself which are externals not under my control, and which have to do with the choices I actually control. Where then do I look for good and evil? Not to uncontrollable externals, but within myself to the choices that are my own . . .
- Epictetus, Discourses
Not worry
“People aren't overcome by situations or outside forces. Defeat comes from within.”
- Banana Yoshimoto, Kitchen
Worrying means you suffer twice.
Manage struggle
Life is a struggle.
- Karl Marx
The struggle is learning. It seems like the more struggle, the more learning. Armed with this mindset, I treat each struggle as a learning opportunity, a sign I step out of my comfort zone. Being aware of each new challenge and struggle going to be harsher prepares me mentally that I’m aware of what's the worst scenario and the bottom line so that it won’t crash me. (It’s also related to risk-taking, but that's a different topic.) Managing self-expectation well is crucial when dealing with unexpected hard challenges.
What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger. - Friedrich Nietzsche
One of the most important tools I use to deal with struggle is that I know that no matter what I will learn something. It really takes courage to take the challenge and meet unexpected struggles. Sometimes I claim the responsibility of doing something that I have no idea of throwing myself out there to take the challenge to test out or develop my problem-solving skills, or even solving the problem is really fun. Like you need some challenge to gain pleasure. I believe almost all the games have a designed challenge ladder so you can conquer it with a certain effort. I believe the small effort will gain small pleasure, the big effort exchange to a feeling of “conquering the world”. Solving a challenging problem is a game to play to learn and have fun. No matter what, you gain the experience to play with it and it definitely improves my problem-solving skills, or even builds relationships with others.
If everything goes smoothly and like what you expected, and there’s no struggle, it means everything is under your control and within your comfort zone, within the current “domain” knowledge you have. Then it means you didn’t learn anything.
Each small struggle prepares me for the bigger one. Even something I didn’t handle well or the failed one prepares me psychologically so that I won’t be crushed when the “bigger” one comes.
As I grow older, much older, I will experience many things, and I will hit rock bottom again and again. Again and again, I will suffer; again and again, I will get back on my feet. I will not be defeated. I won't let my spirit be destroyed.
- Banana Yoshimoto, Kitchen
Don’t regret anything in life. If it’s good, it’s wonderful. If it’s bad, it’s an experience!
When you win, you win.
When you lose, you learn.
- Richard Feynman
Pain and struggle by Ray Dalio
Instead of feeling frustrated or overwhelmed, I saw pain as nature’s reminder that there is something important for me to learn.
Encountering pains and figuring out the lessons they were trying to give me became sort of a game to me. The more I played it, the better I got at it, the less painful those situations became, and the more rewarding the process of reflecting, developing principles and then getting rewards for using those principles became.
- Principle by Ray Dalio, Principles For Success by Ray Dalio (In 30 Minutes)
Burnout by Sam Altman
Burnout actually comes from failing and things not working. Momentum is really energizing and the lack of momentum is super draining. And I find that I have infinite energy to work on things that I find interesting and that are working and almost none things that I either don’t find interesting or aren’t working and so I think you see a lot of founders try something and fail and assume that they just can’t work hard enough or not the amount of energy or passion or whatever and that’s actually not true it’s just that that thing didn’t work and what you should do is shut that company down, go on vacation and try again. And many people then find that oh actually when I’m doing this thing that I like and that is working, I have a huge amount of energy and I can get a lot of stuff done. When you look at really successful people and say how they get all those things done, it's that they have the benefit of momentum and momentum is energizing. A lack of momentum is really not energizing.”
- Sam Altman, 09:00 in this video
Two most important tools
What you love
As Apple grew we hired someone who I thought was very talented to run the company with me, and for the first year or so things went well. But then our visions of the future began to diverge and eventually we had a falling out. When we did, our Board of Directors sided with him. So at 30 I was out. And very publicly out. What had been the focus of my entire adult life was gone, and it was devastating.
I really didn’t know what to do for a few months. I felt that I had let the previous generation of entrepreneurs down — that I had dropped the baton as it was being passed to me. I met with David Packard and Bob Noyce and tried to apologize for screwing up so badly. I was a very public failure, and I even thought about running away from the valley. But something slowly began to dawn on me — I still loved what I did. The turn of events at Apple had not changed that one bit. I had been rejected, but I was still in love. And so I decided to start over.1
Live each day as if it was your last
When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: “If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you’ll most certainly be right.” It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: “If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?” And whenever the answer has been “No” for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.
Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure — these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.
...
No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don’t want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life’s change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.
Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.1
I think most of the struggle comes from work, and a job is a small part of your life. And you will have multiple jobs but you only have one life.
Summary
Those stress and sturggle might be just a hiccup when you see it after a couple of years.
Embrace with it, feel it and learn from it.
Readings
- Jeff Bezos about Stress | INTERVIEW
- Principles For Success by Ray Dalio (In 30 Minutes)
- The Hard Thing About Hard Things: Building a Business When There Are No Easy Answers
- Burnout: The Silent Thief